Call it postpartum. Call it fatigue. Call it my crazy hormones. 

Credit it to the stress of a move, to health issues or to transitioning from full-time working woman to full-time mom.

I believe all of these circumstances play a role in my current condition ... but, in my opinion, my struggle is as much spiritual in nature as it is hormonal or circumstantial. 

The reason I am sharing the personal information below is because I want you to know you are not alone if you have contended with any of these emotions.

The following excerpt was written off the cuff ... for no reason except to vent, journal and document my feelings so that I can clearly see the rainbow on the other side of the storm.

A season of lamenting

I love my sweet daughter. I love my wonderful husband. I love my precious family. 

But, right now, I do not love my life.

I’m sad. I’m tired. I’m lonely.

My joints ache. My back hurts. My neck is stiff.

I feel like every day is the same day.

I’m distraught. I’m discouraged. I’m disappointed.

I need a break. I need joy. I need to feel the presence of the Lord.

I am thankful. I am hopeful. I am blessed.

But I am not happy.

I am overweight. I am scared. I am unkempt.

I hate the way I look.

I want to smile. I want to sleep. I want to feel like myself again.

I miss me.

I used to like me.

I really enjoyed living.

Now, I only want to cry. All the time.

I feel inept. I feel incapable. I feel like a failure.

But I don’t want to believe the enemy’s lies.

He tells me that there is something wrong with me.

He tells me that my husband will never be attracted to me again.

He tells me that my daughter doesn’t need me, that she won’t love me.

I know he is a liar. But, it hurts.

My heart just hurts.

I am broken. 

My strength is gone.

What does the Lord want me to learn? How long will I remain in this place?

I need to feel his presence.

I need to know he is there. 

God, my comforter. My wonderful counselor. My strong tower. My ever present help in time of need.

I pray he will rescue me from this place ...

That he will lift me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and the mire, and set my feet on a rock and give me a firm place to stand.

I pray that he will put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God ... so that many will see, and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.

Help me, Lord.

I need You. 

I am lost without You.

I miss You.

Please restore to me what has been taken. Restore what the enemy has tried to steal, kill and destroy.

Restore my hope.

Pull me out of the valley. Place me on a mountain. Make me to remember my purpose, my call.

Show me truth.

Build my faith.

Give me peace.

Instill in me righteousness.

Return to me the joy of my salvation. 

Implant in me the wisdom of your word.

Only through your armor can I combat this pain.

Let this trial bring joy. 

Let me rejoice in my suffering.

Let me praise You in this season.

For you allow valleys so that I will grow. Lord, let me give thanks in all things.

Even now. 

In my lowest place. 

In my grief and anguish. 

Let me give thanks.

There is nothing like being completely transparent with thousands of readers. But, you need to know that you are not abnormal. Even counselors go through rough patches in life.

So be encouraged. We serve a faithful God. Therefore, we can have hope.

As you read, do not be concerned that I am sinking into despair or clinical depression. I’m just going through a trial; I am being “pressed.”

Thankfully, in the midst of my pain, I know that God is allowing this time, and I have no doubt that through this season, I will grow immensely.

So, take heart. I am confident that God is taking care of my needs, just as he will take care of yours.

“Hear my cry, o God; Attend to my prayer.

From the end of the earth I will cry to you,

When my heart is overwhelmed;

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For you have been a shelter for me,

A strong tower from the enemy.

I will abide in your tabernacle forever;

I will trust in the shelter of your wings.” (Psalm 61:1-4, NKJV) 

Misty Shultz holds master’s degrees in marriage and family counseling and Christian education. She can be reached at mshultz@reflectionofgrace.org.