August 29, 2008 12:32 pm
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As a counselor, family man, friend and all around human being, I deal with the issue of unforgiveness on a regular basis.
Whether it is dealing with someone who has unforgiveness towards us, or vice versa, the issues causing unforgiveness hurt.
Unforgiveness is like a prison; a prison that the inmates hold the key to.
Four years ago I went to my high school 30 year class reunion. I almost didn’t go because of old hurts that I had been holding on to.
All during my junior high and high school years I felt not good enough and consequently my low self esteem became a self-fulfilling prophecy. As a result I was harassed and picked on by some of my classmates.
The hurt I had held onto for the previous 30 years almost kept me from attending my reunion.
When I went to college I was like a bird being let out of a cage. Going to a new place, where no one knew me, gave me the opportunity to begin over. It was great. All the issues of high school faded into a distant memory, and I flourished as my successes gradually added to my sense of self-worth.
During the year just before my reunion, I had been making myself address a number of different fears in my life.
My decision to go to the reunion had as much to do with facing my fears as any other. The thought of going back to face all of the people who had embarrassed and picked on me in high school really bothered me.
But I decided that I wasn’t going to let my fears of being rejected and humiliated again have power over me.
It wasn’t easy. As I drove closer to my hometown, I began to doubt myself. All of those old insecurities came in like a flood. The closer I got to my hometown the more I wondered, “Why am I doing this?”
My imagination ran wild as I thought of all the possible scenarios and emotional mine fields that were facing me.
The first event was a hamburger fry at the home and farm of one of my classmates. The drive up his long drive was torturous as my fears tried to tell me that I was worthless and not good enough. I came very close to turning around and leaving, but somehow I mustered up the courage to continue on.
To my surprise I was greeted with smiles and, “It is good to see you, Mike.” That night was very pleasant. Everyone was sincerely friendly and interested in knowing about my life.
We all mingled, caught up on each other, and ate barbecued hamburgers.
About two hours later, as I was sitting with a group of guys, I tried to remember who I was angry at. I looked at everyone in the room, and to my surprise realized that the answer was, “No one.”
I cannot begin to tell you how therapeutic that evening was for me. That night years of hurt disappeared.
In the biblical story of Joseph and his coat of many colors, Joseph, because of his brother’s jealousy, was thrown down a well by his brothers and sold into slavery. But God had other plans for Joseph, and he prospered, going from slave to prisoner to head over all of the agricultural crops of Egypt.
During a great famine God gave Pharaoh a dream that Joseph later interpreted as meaning that Egypt would go through seven years of great prosperity, followed by seven years of famine. Pharaoh’s response was to elevate Joseph to overseer over Egypt’s lands.
Joseph wisely stored up Egypt’s grain for seven years so when the famine came Egypt would not go hungry.
The famine affected Joseph’s family also, and as a result Joseph’s brothers were sent to Egypt by their father to buy grain. Joseph recognized his brothers and disguised himself as he pondered what his response to his brothers was going to be. By disguising himself Joseph was in essence avoiding dealing with forgiving his brothers. Joseph eventually revealed his identity to his brothers and chose to forgive them.
The common thread between my story and Joseph’s story is the connection between avoidance and unforgiveness.
I think it is very difficult to truly forgive if we avoid the person that has offended us.
I wonder if that is one of the reasons Jesus said, “Turn the other cheek.” By turning the other cheek rather than running away we are forced to face our fears.
It is common to avoid people who have offended us. When we don’t have contact these people, it is difficult to ever have resolution for the offense.
Often times coming face to face with the person who has hurt us can create a situation in which healing can take place.
If you have been avoiding someone because of hurt feelings, I encourage you to take a risk and make contact with them. Turn the other cheek and face your fear. Life is too short to live in the prison of unforgiveness.
Mike Scarlett is a marriage and family therapist and can be reached at mikescarlett.com or by calling 817-933-5041.
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