Published: July 25, 2008 06:35 pm            

Misty Shultz: Honoring parents different at differing stages of life

As I look back on my adolescence and young adulthood, I realize I had a vague concept of what it meant to “honor my father and mother.”

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12, NKJV)

Most of us know this is one of the Ten Commandments God gave Moses for the Israelites.

But I’m not certain we truly understand what it means to honor our parents.

In recent years, I have determined that honoring our parents means different things throughout our lives.

When I was a child, honoring my parents meant I was honest and obedient. Looking back, I could have honored them more by helping around the house and being a bit less selfish with my desires, but hindsight is 20-20.

As a teenager, honoring my parents meant I should treat my parents kindly, adhere to their requests, and follow their rules. I tried to honor them by being home by curfew and making them proud of me though my achievements.

I often succeeded — though not always.

As a young adult, honoring my parents began to resemble spending time with them and lending assistance when needed. I would try to go home as often as possible and adopt projects I believed would make their lives easier.

Today, honoring them continues to look like honesty, respect and assistance, but it has taken on new meaning.

Honoring my parents today means extending grace and understanding. It means allowing them to be human and make mistakes without my judgment. It means praying for God to provide for the needs I cannot meet. And, it means speaking the truth in love, even when it is not easy.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines honor as “showing of usually merited respect.” Respect is defined as “high or special regard.”

Therefore, I am called to highly regard my parents.

Even if I disagree with their decisions. Even if I am frustrated. Even if I am hurt.

Why?

Because this is what God tells me to do.

You see, just because parents are supposed to be older and wiser does not mean they will not make mistakes. Our parents probably have been wounded by their family members, carry emotional baggage we are unaware of, and struggle with confidence and security just like we do.

Unfortunately, we often give our parents little grace and understanding because we believe they should have it together. After all, they are our parents, right?

It amazes me how much more grace we often have with complete strangers than we have with our own family members.

This realization convicted me.

I am not my parents. I do not live in their home. I do not understand their past relationships, and I am not aware of the constant dynamic in their present relationships.

Therefore, I cannot possibly understand what makes them behave, or not behave, in a specific way.

For this reason I have decided honoring my parents means accepting them for exactly who they are.

When I’ve relayed this to clients, several have told me, “You don’t know my parents. I cannot accept their lifestyle or their actions.”

I’m not suggesting you accept a negative lifestyle or sinful actions. But, I am encouraging you to accept them despite their imperfections. This is Jesus’ example.

In churches we often hear the phrase, “hate the sin, love the sinner.”

The same is true with our family members. We may not like their choices, but God calls us to honor them. He calls us to respect them. He calls us to highly regard them.

If you made mistakes in life, would you not desire for your children to love you through your struggles? Wouldn’t you want them to understand you are not perfect?

In counseling teens who are frustrated with their family life, I often remind them of what life is like for parents. I have them make a budget, document their parents’ schedule and list all the extra responsibilities that come with being a parent.

Almost always, teens are more likely to understand their parents’ anger, complacency, fatigue and stress level once they step into their shoes.

Staying bitter or angry over problems with parents only hurts everyone involved. Resentment is harbored, and we are not able to enjoy the time we have with them.

Does this mean we should never rock the boat?

No.

Through much prayer, I’ve learned that honoring my parents means not enabling them to continue unhealthy patterns.

It means setting boundaries, being honest — in a loving and respectful way — and encouraging change.

Simply allowing an unhealthy relationship to continue is not respectful. This does not help our parents, so it does not honor our parents.

We give God our expectations and disappointments, lovingly offer honesty, and trust God with the details. After all, God can do in their lives what we cannot do.

I am not called to be the Holy Spirit in my parent’s life. I am not called to be their source of joy. I am only called to be a daughter who honors them with my words and actions.

I simply must cry out, “Give me understanding, and I shall keep Your law; Indeed, I shall observe it with my whole heart.” (Psalm 119:34, NKJV)



Misty Shultz holds master’s degrees in marriage and family counseling and Christian education. She can be reached at mmenos_7@yahoo.com.

        

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