Bart Cannon: If Democratic politics were football, we’d have a mess

In a well-publicized exchange with Joe the (now famous) Plumber, Democratic presidential hopeful, Barack Hussein Obama, promised to “spread the wealth.”

If Obama’s rob-from-the-rich-and-give-to-the-poor philosophy can move America beyond equal opportunity to equal economic outcomes, why not apply the same principle to other areas?

In fact, Obama may already have thought of this initiative and is waiting until just the right moment to unveil the next phase.

According to Obama, the founding document of the United States, the original Constitution, contains a “fundamental flaw.” Apparently a similar fundamental flaw remains embedded in college football.

Clearly, many hardworking college football players and coaches have been disenfranchised and kept from realizing the gridiron version of the “American Dream.” Only a handful of teams win championships, while many teams finish the season with losing records. Coaches are fired, and defeated players cower in locker rooms across this great nation grappling with the humiliation of being “losers.”

Reactionaries may argue, “We already have parity in college football.”

Certainly, the present scholarship limitations spread the talent pool so that powerhouse teams can no longer stockpile players.

In addition, the latest Bowl Championship Series top 25 rankings include former no-name teams, such as Utah, Boise State, Ball State and South Florida. Upstart Appalachian State’s 2007 victory over traditional power Michigan suggests that the present system works. Nevertheless, the Obama Doctrine asserts that more should be done.

First, the BCS system and David Duffy’s ESPN “Bottom 10” should be nationalized. In typical federal government fashion, Duffy’s “10” would be expanded beyond recognition. The new “Bottom 25” teams would be eligible to “tax” talent from teams in the top 25.

Here’s how it would work.

Last week, undefeated and second-ranked Alabama faced perennial rival, Tennessee. Because of an anemic offense and spotty quarterback play, the Volunteers limped into the game with a 3-4 record.

Before kickoff, coach Fulmer would be allowed to enter the Alabama locker room and issue the Crimson Tide’s all-time passing leader, John Parker Wilson, a bright orange jersey. According to Obama’s running mate, Joe Biden, it would be Wilson’s “patriotic duty” to donate his quarterbacking skills to the team from Rocky Top.

As the system gains traction, losing would be eliminated. All teams would play 12 game schedules and finish bowl-eligible with six wins and six losses.

Then, Obama would nationalize the NCAA and mandate a bowl game for every team. According to the Biden Doctrine, fans and sponsors would likewise step up to their respective “patriotic duty” and fund Obama’s championless plan. By executive order, every mediocre match-up would be a sell-out.

Skeptical die-hards might ask, “What about the national championship?” No problem.

The present BCS system rotates the site of the national championship game. Why not go a step farther and just rotate the championship? Because every team finishes with the same nonlosing record, rather than deciding the outcome on the field, the federal government could intervene.

In its finite wisdom, assuming the absence of gridlock, Congress would crown a different team each year as “National Champion.” This approach guarantees your team a championship about once every 100 years — about as often as you’re likely to get a tax cut.

The risk of partisan politics could be mitigated by drawing the champion’s name out of a football helmet at an annual White House fundraising event.

Of course, the teams rich in national championships, such as Alabama and Notre Dame, must sit out until the “have-nots” who never won a championship catch up.

At that rate, ’Bama fans would need to wait long enough for the Roman Empire to rise and fall multiple times before the Crimson Tide would be eligible again. Perhaps that’s the ’Bama Nation’s “patriotic duty,” too.

As expected, old-school detractors seek to undermine the Obama Doctrine’s intervention into college football.

Pat Culpepper, former linebacker for the Texas Longhorns and retired journeyman coach said, “Competition is the engine that drives America. If you take that away, we’ll really have problems. You never know who [such a plan] might hurt or whose [competitive] spirit would be crushed.”

Jack Rutledge, former stalwart lineman and longtime assistant coach for Paul “Bear” Bryant at Alabama, weighed in on the guaranteed outcomes issue.

“That [concept] doesn’t make sense,” Rutledge asserted, “You can’t plan everything. Things happen in life that you don’t have control over — some good and some bad.”

Outcomes can be hard to predict. ESPN’s game-day crew, Chris Fowler, Kirk Herbstreit, and Lee Corso, can attest to that, but with Obama’s “Spread the Wealth” doctrine, we can be sure of one thing: College football as we know it will no longer exist.

That, football fans, is “Change we can believe in.”



Bart Cannon is a Cleburne resident. He can be reached at his Web site, www.bartcannon.com.

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